I want to try to paint a picture of
what it is like inside my head. I find
it a circle of struggles that I deal with on a regular basis. I would assume that a lot of guys have these
same struggles and I bet many use the same techniques I do to cope. Anyway, here is the picture…
When my mind goes idle I often cast about trying to find things to think about. This
happens to me when I am driving, falling asleep, mowing the lawn, stuff like
that. I often think of this as the times
I am hanging out with myself. My
internal monologue kicks in. I am
daydreaming about stuff. I come up with arguments
about things I am passionate about. And
my mind falls prey to all sorts of selfishness, greed, hurtfulness…..sin.
Ok, so the scene is set.
I just started mowing the lawn 3 minutes ago and I have about an hour
and a half of mowing ahead of me. My
mind has shifted into neutral….
I start thinking about cars.
I love automobiles in general but I really love my car. I have big plans for it like a supercharger
at some point in the future (this won’t actually ever happen…), but in the
interim, I would like to get a header-back exhaust on it. That would be sweet and it is sort of inside
the realm of possibility even though it would still cost quite a bit. My thoughts never seem to just be content
with the pure love of automobiles. It
always leads to me wishing I could get this for my car or do that to it. I've got plans. Always wanting something else. Never content. It is frustrating and I don’t think the
discontent is biblical. I think it is
sin to always be wanting something more – never to be satisfied with what you
have. Alright fine! I take a firm grip of my car thoughts and
mentally push them over there and I hold them away from me with one of my
mental arms.
Next…..
Sex. That is
something that’s pretty interesting to think about. Problem is, it is such a slippery slope to
keep sex thoughts pure and clean. So
that lasts for a lot less time than the car thoughts and I throw a super
vice-grip onto those thoughts and mentally push them away.
Alright, now I’m holding those away. I can do this. Next…..
I love video games. I
wish I could somehow be a professional video game player (that or a race car
driver of some sort). I would love to
make my living that way. Yeah right… So I start analyzing my latest session
playing Destiny. “Last time I went into
the big room I headed left and tried sniping the guy from there but I wonder if
it would work better to head to the right and climb up to the balcony. There is better cover there and I could duck
and hide if need be……” How much of my
life gets poured into video games? How
much of my time and mental energy is spent on this COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS
PURSUIT? You know what, video games in
and of themselves are not the problem.
Sure they don’t promote anything good and usually they do promote stuff
that is unhealthy, but I see the problem as the time they take from my life. I think the enemy is very supportive of the
video game industry as it pulls me out of basically everything. Volunteer activities, building meaningful
relationships, studying God’s Word, building into my relationship with my wife,
praying, and on and on… Ok, grab that
with a firm grip and push it away and hold it there. (Something you may not know about me is that
I have quite a few mental arms – not just two.
I kind of need that many because my mental landscape all slopes toward
me. I can’t just push thoughts away and
leave them there because they all roll back to me as soon as I let go of
them. Mental arms people – you can never
have enough of them).
You know what it feels like to have all those mental arms
holding stuff away? Imagine a hose clamp
that fits onto your skull.
Now tighten
it down REALLY tight! There, that should
do it. Ok (through gritted teeth) the
breach is contained; I’m good to go now.
And so I move forward one painful step after another on the path of life. Guess what happens to me every now and then
(in fact quite often) – the hose clamp bursts open. Everything comes apart and I fail.
Over and over and over and over and over and over………
Every time I fail I beat the stuffing out of myself. I cry out, “God! Why is this so hard all the time?!” I can’t do it on my own. I already know that – which makes it really
hard to even motivate myself to grip those thoughts and push them away in the
first place. What is the point? I have never succeeded at this in the past. What makes me think I can do it now?
God stands at the door and knocks. Give it to me my boy, that is the only way
you can make this work. Crazy thing is I
don’t even own these struggles any more.
A story Boyd Hopkins used to explain it to me once goes like this: Boyd bought a property once in BC. It was a nice large property with foliage all
around. He went and checked the place
out, he liked it, he bought it. It wasn’t
until the next year when he was standing on his back deck and he notices
something out back in the bushes that he hadn’t ever seen before. Sort of looks like a chimney or something out
back there. Turns out there was an old
structure back there that was full of the previous owners old junk! Old bicycles, lawn mowers, rusted patio
furniture, broken windows, probably an old clothes dryer – you know the sort of
stuff I’m talking about. So, now
what? Call up the previous owner and get
him to come clean this trash up? Nope, Boyd
had purchased it with the property. Well
God purchased our property on the cross.
He owns it! All of it. It is His because he bought it. Haha, what a sucker God is right?! Nope. Difference
is He knew it was there when he bought the property but He knew we would never
be able to clean all that up.
So here’s the key: I have to stop fighting and say, “God, I’m
gonna need you to come clean this up because you bought it on the cross and I
actually can’t even lift it.” I need to
surrender it to God, not keep fighting.
I need to walk away from the fight.
How hard is that to do?
I haven’t managed to successfully do it yet. I’m pretty sure it is harder than doing the Crota’s
End raid on Hard in Destiny.
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